Naika Looks Back on 2012: HO-LEEEEEEEE SHIT!!!!

Like the hellish trappings of a demon's vagina, such was the unrelenting grip of this abominable organ to one's dong.

Like the hellish abomination of a demon’s vagina,  2012 held a shuddering and tasteless grip upon the cock of the masses.  But because you’re a sicko who relishes the carnage, you couldn’t get enough, could you?

I’m going to throw out my fancy words dictionary right now in an attempt to tell it to you straight, so here it goes.

2012 was….was….., uhm….crazy as fuck.   There.  That’s it.  Simple.

So much has happened this year my friends, and a great deal of it was harrowing to say the least.  It’s not entirely doom and gloom mind you, but whatever doom and gloom that we did get in 2012, it’s gonna hang on top of us like a cloud ready to let loose a storm of dogshit (i.e. It was ALL DOOM AND GLOOM!!!).  Anyways, let’s recap with your favorite blogger (me) shall we?

john-boehner-crying-nero-fiddling-rome-burning-republicans-gop-politics-memePOLITICKS, SHMOLITICKS!: I try my hardest not to be very political on this blog, but since a handful of you know that I am an Asian-american who writes with profane excess about being slant-eyed in America, it shouldn’t be hard to find out where my personal politics lie.  But to be frank, this year was a shambles in regards to compromise in Washington.  Those of you who occasionally browse Crooks and Liars may feel that the left didn’t do enough to hammer down a more progressive agenda, while some on the right are just bat-shit delusional (see Karl Rove), but with Republican hostage-taking becoming the norm now, I don’t know how we’re going to agree on ANYTHING in the coming year.  The fiscal cliff is looming, and our debt-ceiling talks were akin to watching Charlie Sheen holding up a 7-Eleven with a Butterfinger bar, but c’mon people, what the hell is this?  Boehner’s thugs had a merry-go-round of a year as they seemed to just RELISH in holding the knife to our collective throats, but with Obama’s new term, their arguments for obstruction are essentially worthless.  If you ass-hat Re-thug-lican representatives even give an ounce of care to your constituents and fellow Americans (including the well-meaning conservatives who don’t want to be confused with the crazies), then give in like the rest of the country.  I promise we’ll pull out.

schoolshooting2_616GUNS & TALKS:  Let me be frank here and say that we need to curb this shit now.  I know there’s much worse scenarios happening elsewhere in the world, namely Syria, but having twenty first-graders gunned down right before the Holidays is a tragic way to end the year in America.  Newtown, Connecticut’s tragedy became the latest of these incidents as the country was still healing from the theater shooting in Aurora, CO and the racially-charged violence in a Wisconsin-based Sikh temple.  Many people find that mental health issues need to be seriously addressed while others point to the obvious concern of curbing the sale of automatic / tactical rifles and ammunition, with both being very valid and obvious steps to move forward here.  However, what grinds the gears here in this discussion is how quite a few individuals feel in response to increased gun control.  A few Facebook friends that I have quipped the cliched argument of “Humans have been killing each other for years, and a ban on assault rifles won’t stop them from killing more.”  While it’s nice to see idiots put sentences together for their own amusement, it becomes worrisome when said idiots actually mean it.  If these would-be murderers resorted to bows, arrows and a gladius, then I SUPPOSE they’ll still murder 28 people at a school, but fuck me man, I’m sure it would be a lot EASIER to detect than a concealed Bushmaster that fires ump-teen rounds into your fellow six-year old.  The choices we need to make are clear, yet we still seem to have a penchant for going backwards on this discussion.  For those of you in power, please remember what JUST happened and put your posturing aside (along with all the money involved with it, right NRA?)  REMEMBER THIS EVERYONE: Children who haven’t even gotten the chance to experience the highs and lows of life were taken from us this year.  Innocents were maimed and slain in places that deserve to be free from the pressures of daily life, such as a temple, a theater, or a school.  The evidence is clear and the pain will continue, but no one deserves this.  They’ve suffered enough America.

chun-li-vs-mai-shiranuiOH ASIA, WHY!?:  The Syrian civil war rages on.  China and Japan’s island issue is beginning to cool down (but that moron Abe is back on the front seat in Japan somehow).  India experienced the worst blackout in world history.  Someone actually believed that Kim Jong Un was “The Sexiest Man of the Year.”  To be blunt, Asia has gone through some crazy shit and continues to do so.  In July, 620 million people were without power TWICE for two days in India.  Though the duration seems small, the sheer quantity of people affected should make you cringe.  Elsewhere, China and Japan’s wrangling over a set of islands (Diaoyu or Senkaku) has created a lot of vitriol between China’s young and fiery internet denizens and Japan’s more or less backward and idiotic politicians (Tokyo’s mayor comes to mind, thanks to Grumpygrad).  Cars were overturned and Japanese products were looted greatly throughout China, and it even got scary for me and girlfriend when the protests began to happen loudly in her home province.  Things have died down somewhat, but the hope is that Japan’s politicians measure out the futility of a hardline stance against China and would just wake up to smell the fucking coffee.  Oh, and Syria?  It’s getting crazy.  How else am I gonna put it?  At least Israel stopped shelling the crap out of folks and Palestine is finally a non-observer state right?  It’s tough to live in Asia at this rate, but at least there was some cool and fun news from there as well.  Much of it involves the man in the next paragraph.

PSY-CHOLOGICALLY AWESOME!:  Who would’ve thought that this could happen?  Take a long-time rapper from South Korea, have him write a nifty and infectious song satirizing wanna-be rich culture in his native land, create a hilarious horse dance for his music video and post the damn thing on YouTube.  What do you get?  One BILLION fucking views and an Asian guy who is now an international sensation!  You can either thank T-Pain, the lack of copyrights or our “inter-connectedness” through social media for all of this, but it’s clear that Psy is one popular guy!  Even he’s still surprised about it:

But if you think about one billion views, that means people watched it many, many times. I can’t believe they didn’t get sick of it!

—PSY in an interview with MTV about his
“Gangnam Style” music video

Whether you like “Gangnam Style” or not, Psy’s worldwide hit is infectious and more crowd-pleasing that what you’d be stuck with in your car.  K-pop’s wave towards America has been strong and steady for sometime now, but it’s finally crashed with an obvious THUD on our shores.  From this blogger’s perspective, it seems that the rest of the APA blogosphere has an open love of what Psy’s done over the past year, and for good reason.  However some responses from the fellow APA folks are a tad bit more muted that I thought they would be (Phil Yu, you’re awesome, but I’m looking at YOU!).  Satirical, fresh, funny, and free from copyright, Psy’s “Gangnam Style” is hands down the hit of the year!

Just-Inject-It-lance-armstrongHOW THE LANCE HAS FALLEN:  I remember being one of those college guys on the train watching all these shmucks with their LIVESTRONG bracelets and telling myself, “What a bunch of posers.”  Their self-deluding message to fight cancer by purchasing a silly yellow wrist band to empower themselves to stave off their impending deaths for just a fraction more with something called “periodic exercise” was sickening, but that didn’t stop any of these hapless dimwits from consuming rabbit food as they watched a man who had nad-cancer invading his brain beat the Tour de France a million times.  Their obvious cock-knobbling of Lance Armstrong was meddlesome to say the least, but far from being something that influenced me.  He made the Livestrong Foundation to help cancer victims, he was endorsed by Nike, he fucked Sheryl Crow and poured liters of nad-cancer juice into her uterus (which, if I heard right, is akin to the landscape of Mars) and single-handedly won the Civil War.  Now, years later, we find out that the Lance had hit the Juice, and he did it like a fucking pro.  If the USADA’s evidence on his misdeeds wasn’t enough to damn him, then his actions afterwards were just as bad.  He continued to proclaim his innocence, yet stepped down from Livestrong and refused to fight any of the allegations that laid before him.  He received a lifetime ban from the sport and has lost all his sponsors.  I will never watch Dodgeball again.  His titles are gone.  His team-mates betrayed him  His sport has been tainted.  His career is in shambles and his legacy is now nothing more than the dust that collects upon the coffin that awaits his hormone-soaked body.  Way to go Lance.  Go fuck yourself.

ap_jerry_sandusky2_dm_121009_wgSANDUSKY GOES TO THE SLAMMER:  As if Lance’s deeds weren’t enough, the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal gives us another reason for us to be ashamed about the conduct that revolves around American sports.  Penn State turned a blind eye, and those in power feared any sort of backlash that would put the name of the school in jeopardy.  Joe Paterno’s inability and ineptness to fight and protect those that were held victim to Sandusky’s abuse had already cost him his job as the famed coach for Penn State’s illustrious football team, but with his death earlier this year, JoePa (as he was lovingly known as) left his legacy in tatters.  Many of Sandusky’s acts were awful, and his misuse of the Second Mile youth program to prey on young boys was nothing less than deplorable, but what is most striking about this particular aftermath is how unapologetic Sandusky appeared to be after he was convicted.  He continued to maintain his innocence while blaming his misfortune upon those that he supposedly “helped,” which, in my opinion, further implicates him as an evil man who deserves no sympathy from anyone.  In addition, the consequential removal of JoePa’s statue and the suspension of Penn State’s beloved football program may seem harsh to some, but after placing yourself in the shoes of Sandusky’s victims, it’s more than fitting for an institution that placed the school’s prestige in an overrated sport over and above the livelihoods of victimized children.

121016_obama_winsOBAMA WINS 2012!:  We all had this sinking feeling that it was gonna be a tight election this year, and in all fairness, it was.  However, just by glancing at both the popular vote and electoral vote, you probably would’ve felt that Barry also won by a fucking landslide.  In many ways, he did, and he happened to humiliate the conservative right once again (with jarringly hilarious results).  Barack’s defeat in the first of three televised debates alarmed much of the left as Mitt won a slew of points for being a loud, aggressive yet indefinite ass-toad.  Barry, however, didn’t take it lying down.  Sure, some of his policies aren’t that great, and he kinda had to break even with those bastards at “Big Pharma” for some sort of health reform, but for him to be on the ropes in the debate slapped him awake.  He kicked ass during the 2nd round, the public, town hall debate, and hammered it further in the last debate, with him shaking his pointy wag finger at Mitt, saying “That’s just not true!”  But that wasn’t enough.  The drama that had to unfold all came down to Election night, with the whole country watching.  Karl Rove’s impending meltdown on Fox, along with the baffled, embittered look on many a wealthy conservative was enough to have them look at each other and ask “What went wrong?”  Well guys, a lot of shit went wrong for y’all…you thugs.  This kinda ties into what I’m about to say in the next paragraph.  Oh and by the way, congrats Barry.  Now save us from ourselves!!!

Picture-57-615x345RICK SCOTT & VOTER SUPPRESSION:  On Election night, the girlfriend and I were excited to see how close things became as battleground states like Ohio started to rally in the projected numbers, but the state that we were interested in the most was Florida (which is obvious since we live there, shudder!).  However, the numbers just wouldn’t come (that would come 3 days later).  Soon, we heard that some Floridians in Miami-Dade county waited until past midnight to cast their votes since our WONDERFUL governor Rick Scott put in a measure that cut early voting days from 14 in 2008 to 8 in 2012.   He also put in a 10 page ballot for those in Miami-Dade too, and if it isn’t THAT obvious to you as to WHY he did that, then you must be friggin’ loony.  From denying the state necessary funds for high speed rail to voter suppression, Rick Scott is a certified can of dogshit.  Sure Rick, you wanted to remove non-citizens from the voter polls, but like many have pointed out this year, you’ve actually targeted Democratic and minority voters who just happen to be eligible too!  Once again, we have another reason to be ashamed about being residents of the Sunshine state.  Oh, and furthermore, this adds more ammo into the argument about what’s wrong with the Republican party at large.  They’re out of touch, they’re stuck in their echo chamber, they’re deluded by said echo chamber, and are willing to do the worst when things come to the wire.  Call me biased folks, but hey, so are they.

lek and julietteSAYING FAREWELL:  2012 wouldn’t be what it is without saying goodbye to some very notable people.  The top one for me was my Uncle, Lek Intratvichit.  He was one of my father’s best friends, and was one of the most encouraging people I’ve ever met.  He was a simple man who loved booze, his wife, his family, and yes, his friends, including Dad.  He was the first person to ever say that me and my brother were almost the splitting image of himself and his older brother Si, and if that ain’t a compliment, I don’t know what is.  He will be missed indeed.  Others like astronaut Neil Armstrong, jazz pianist Dave Brubeck, Mr. Food (which I am still shocked about), U.S. General Norman Schawzkopf, the King of New Years Dick Clark, Maurice Sendak, film director Tony Scott, and Rodney King have all passed on.  Who can also forget the shocking death of music icons like Whitney Houston, or the Beastie Boys’ Adam Yauch?  What about Ravi Shankar, and his indelible touch on Western music as he brought over the beauty of India with his mastery of the sitar?  How about Don Cornelius, the Big Daddy of “Soul Train?”  How about Michael Clarke Duncan?  Does the Green Mile ring any bells?  How about the Bee Gees’ Robin Gibb?  Or Etta James?  Hell, I can’t believe Ernest Borgnine is gone too.  He was awesome in “All Quiet on the Western Front.”  The Jeffersons’ Sherman Hemsley has left us, along with Andy Griffith, and even Davy Jones, that monkey.  Even famous screenwriter Nora Ephron (of “When Harry Met Sally” fame) has passed.  Ray Bradbury has passed.  Japanese-American war hero and politician Daniel Inouye has passed.  Our kids in Newtown, CT have passed.  And yes, many more have passed throughout 2012.  Raise your glasses high folks.  Raise ’em for them.

neo-geo-xTHE NEO GEO RETURNS, SORTA:  I’ve always wanted a Neo Geo.  It was my dream system.  Many of us like-minded gamers know why we couldn’t obtain this fabled console in our youth, and to be honest, not much is stopping me from getting a used one now.  However, try purchasing Real Bout Special, or Metal Slug for this console nowadays and you’ll see why I’m a bit hesitant.  All these collector assholes have driven Neo Geo collecting to insufferable highs, and to be perfectly honest, it just isn’t worth getting it anymore.  Emulating on your PC isn’t all that great, but ports to your PS2 or other high end consoles are fine.  However, we now have the Neo Geo X.  That’s right, a portable Neo Geo that hooks up to a docking station that is a smaller replica of SNK’s famed console.  The reviews on Amazon are quite varied by this point, but I’m tempted to get it.  My bro and “said girl” (who is GF, need I remind you) have given me their blessing, but I’m still a tad bit hesitant.  However, it’d be nice to play something similar to the Neo Geo on a TV, and this just might be the ticket to doing so.

City Hunter 1 cityTHE GF:  The last bit of news that I find worth mentioning, but in a much humbler way.  I’m off the market now, and me writing about her here has been up and down, but through all of it, we stuck around each other.  Now, it’s official, and we’re stuck together.  We cook, we work, we fight, we clean, we make-up, and we’re normal.  I’m no longer with my folks, but I visit them often.  They like her, she likes them, and oddly enough, she likes me.  She’s the best cook ever, and she’s the best person to watch anime and movies with, she points out my bad habits to make sure I don’t be a bum and she encourages me to do the right thing.  “Said girl” is now girlfriend folks.  Need I say more?

Well ladies and gents, that about wraps up what I have to say about 2012.  It started off as the Year of the Dragon, but it became a whole lot more as the days kept rolling on.  It was crazy, and tragic, and crazy, and sad, and…wait, we still have the fiscal cliff to think about as I shit myself.  Anyways, I hope all of you who’ve read my work so far will continue to do so, and for those of you who are new to this simple blog, please make yourselves at home.  2012 was a sucker punch of a year, so lets hope that we all get progressive and make 2013 a whole lot better.  Until then folks, stay classy.  So long 2012!!

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Merry Christmas You Bastards!!!

originalThe holidays have arrived again, and what better way to smother yourself in them by getting a book make by a chef who has a whole lotta stuff on her chest to smother with? Get ready for a feast because this book will have a fuck load more than your two scoops of lovin’!  Nigella’s got a silly new cookbook for the Holidays, but the bread she’s bakin’ is probably from the muffins in her reindeer sweater folks. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!

In all seriousness, this year was a very tumultuous one indeed, and hopefully, you all will be looking forward to a relaxing day or two with loved ones today. From Naikanomtom and his merry crew, have a Happy Holiday folks, and thanks for reading!!   ^__^

~Naika

Naika Reviews “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”

jazz flute hugeLet’s be fair folks.  Most of the news outlets that we find ourselves immersed in are shit.  All we see are pretty faces that dramatize and spin issues that require none whatsoever.  All we hear are facts that become distorted to serve some inane purpose that keeps old white men in power while ignoring the other millions of colored people that live and work in the U.S.  All we share are the same old useless trinkets of info that describe how shallow, talentless hacks live their lives and still have the nerve to call themselves ‘stars’.  Save for the public radio stations, PBS, a newspaper named after a vegetable and anything to do with Jon Stewart, it’s hard to find any sort of genuine news agency that’s die hard on telling shit straight.

And then there’s Ron Burgundy.

Clad in a majestic red suit with just enough face fur to make even Barry Gibb screech, the titular Anchorman wears his intentions on his sleeve.  He says what he wants, struts his stuff like a champ and sets his sights on anything with a nice ass and a pair of tits.  Forget the 24 hour news cycle and drop the obvious slants to certain ideologies.  Hell, you can even throw out the desire to produce any worthwhile or interesting news.  Ron takes us back to a time when local news had nothing earth shattering to give you every damn minute save for some shitty coverage on animals riding jet skis, but at least in this film’s news room, they fucking know it.  It ain’t CNN and their flip-flopping old fart of an anchor Wolf Blitzer, or Fox News’ obviously misleading tagline, “Fair & Balanced.”  It’s 1975, and it’s all about the Anchorman.

Anchorman__Channel_4_News_Team_by_JasonOrtiz

Adam McKay gets us rolling as we’re introduced to the city of San Diego and their love affair with the Channel 4 news team.  Ferrell’s Burgundy rolls around the news desk as Channel 4’s lead anchor, flanked by three additional members of his posse, namely the womanizing reporter Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd), the southern dandy of sports Champ Kind (David Koechner), and the comically idiotic weatherman Brick Tamland (Steve Carell).  Taken together, these four adults more or less act like over-sexed adolescents that roam around the station looking for either a pair of tits or a round of fisticuffs.  For the latter, we find that in rival newsman Wes Mantooth (Vince Vaughn), whose hatred for Ron Burgundy is almost like watching an interpretation of West Side Story gone horribly wrong.  And yes, his scenes get funnier as the film struts along.

However, much of Ron’s world gets turned upside down when he meets face to ass with the new lady in town, Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate).  From there, the 70s time frame helps to create a great atmosphere for the comedy that ensues as Veronica endures the hilarious and completely outdated notions that Ron and his posse have in regards to women in the workplace.  Progressive and professional, Veronica’s very existence in the film comes into comedic conflict with Ron’s hilariously sexist mores and masculine posturing (all the while having the cutest of animal friends in the form of his dog Baxter).  Despite all of this, things collide like a car wreck once Ron goes to Tino’s Jazz Bar and whips out his “yazz flute.”  What results is Ron Burgundy burning down the house with a flute solo so cool and funny that Veronica becomes overwhelmed by the Anchorman’s detestable, hair-laden charm (i.e., he plows her).  However, like all blossoming relationships captured on film, our would-be lovers will crash and burn with stupefying results until they reconcile once more.

studio_blog_anchorman_option-1-e1335280701624Whatever attempts this blogger has made in terms of summarizing Anchorman will have to end here since many of its best moments are unveiled after Ron and Veronica go balls deep into each other.  Much of that obviously includes office hijinks and the unraveling of Ron and Veronica’s relationship, but with a musical number, animal conversations and an epic gut-buster of an action sequence, the hilarity doesn’t end.  Yet with all the build-up to these iconic moments, the star of the show is, by and large, Will Ferrell.  His portrayal of a self-centered and inherently stupid newscaster is ultimately the catalyst for every funny moment in Anchorman, which not only gives way to some inane laughs, but provides the revelation that even in 2012, you just might be getting your news bites from a vapid idiot who’s employed by an equally idiotic newsroom.  At least in Anchorman’s case, you don’t have to shudder as much.

~Channel 4 News Team Image is Courtesy of Jason Ortiz

Penn State’s Chi Omega Sorority “LOVES” Mexicans, including their ASIAN contingent!

W-Wh-WHY YOU DO THAT!?  HUH!?  WHY!!!????

W-Wh-WHY YOU DO THAT!? HUH!? WHY!!!????

Yahoo’s highlight of a controversial picture featuring Penn State’s Chi Omega sorority donning stereotypical Mexican garb while holding some insensitive signage brings a lot of notions to the mind. The main one being, “Why the fuck would you hold a party like this, and why would you put this up for folks to see on FB!?”  As Lily Beatty of Penn State’s Daily Collegian writes:

A photo circulated on Tumblr Monday night depicting members of the Chi Omega chapter at Penn State dressed in ponchos and sombreros. In the photo, members of the sorority are holding two signs — one that reads “Will mow lawn for weed + beer” and another that reads “I don’t cut grass I smoke it.”

Our common quota of immature, white female students with too much make-up are OBVIOUSLY already met, but check out what else we see: Two asian sistahs ready to hang with da’ majority!! Oh man, daddy not gonna rike this now will he? Or maybe he don’t care, as a long as you a bring a gooda grade and becoma doctah, who fuk care, RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!?????

Jokes aside, this is kinda NOT GOOD for any Asian or Asian-American living here tooting-up any progressive ideas in regards to race relations.  I’m sure that Asian-Amercian men in college can probably do much worse when trying to fit in (roofies maybe?  I dunno),  but overall, I just don’t expect this from my fellow sistahs.  I always felt that my APA sistahs are always much more intelligent, progressive, courageous and more inspired (in many respects) than some of our male counterparts when it comes to fighting for equal rights and representation (no diss on the males that do), but this doesn’t do them justice at all.  If anything, those two individuals are probably just as dumb as the rest of the folks in the photo.  God, looking at this photo makes me wanna stick my dong in a bear-trap while dipping it in acid.

Oh, and one more thing to you two Asian ladies sporting the sombreros.  Our righteous sistahs from DISGRASIAN also have a few words for you too, and yes, they’re much worse that whatever I can muster at the moment.  Do I see some cosplay of Slant-eyed Asian Submissives with a Coolie in your future?  I hope not…

Arsenal are Mid-table? Or Medievil?

fypAs some of you footy fans are aware, Arsenal have been having a poor run of form as of late. I haven’t said much about them since their tie with the Blue Moon, but much of the energy that they’ve had in the beginning of the season has now been sapped. With Diaby injured, our defense shaky, and the man marking of Arteta impeding EVERYTHING, it’s hard for me to watch a game every weekend. Giroud seems to be coming to life, but the midfield issues need to be addressed because teams are really pressing the ball out of us. You saw this in the Everton game, the Swansea game, and now, today’s Olympiacos game. Wenger obviously wanted his young squad to get some experience today, but of course, they got a butt whooping instead.  In terms of depth, it’s good to see Wilshere back, but let’s face it, he’s still raw and recovering (like the rest of the guys I guess). Rosicky is a bit more welcome in my eyes, but as you saw today, he just picked up a knock once again after scoring. That forward drive has to return to the team, along with a faster tempo and better ball handling, or we may be in the dust…

I may have to accept that Arsenal are now a “mid-table team” and that will become more cannon fodder for the media and for those glory hunters, but all of you Gooners out there should remember to urge calm and change through sensible means here. What are we, Chelsea? I’d love Uncle Arsene to change up the formations, add more midfielders, have more capable squad members and spend on someone who can free up Arteta, but lets criticize with any sort of demonizing. This isn’t FIFA 11 from EA, okay?  You can leave that job to the fucking pundits for all I care.  Our form isn’t helping things much (along with the squad depth), but neither is this infighting. I know we seem to be “mid-table,” but not Medieval.

Otherwise, try to have a good one you fellow Gooners.