In honor of Chef Roy Choi’s sweet post on Angry Asian Man on what makes him angry, I’ve decided to go all out and do one of my own. Please be advised that this will probably offend you, and if it does, then go eat a bear trap.
Fuck all of you Chelsea fans. You’re all a saggy sack of John Terry apologists, lion fucking blue cunts and shit eating, glory hunting, classless trolls. And a nice big ‘fuck you’ to all you Thai fans of Chelsea. You think you’re rich or something? Half of your fucking football teams are named ‘United’ anyways, so fuck the lot of ya!
Fuck all of you so called Arsenal fans who’d rather waste time moping with black scarves and pout on the Piers Morgan Brigade. Think of it this way you fucks, Arsenal’s got 99 problems, but apeshit debt ain’t one of them. We have just as much bullshit as any other club (i.e. Can’t sign nobody, can’t defend, money clubs buy our players and everyone else’s etc, etc,) yet we still survive every year. Sheesh!!
I’m sick of dealing with folks who can’t eat spicy food and love to tell people that they can’t, then WHINE about it when they see it at lunch or at a goddamned party You think I give a shit about how your lack of nad hair (or lack of nads thereof) keeps you from enjoying the best shit EVER!?
I wish all of you folks on Facebook would just quit telling me where the hell you are exactly. If I changed my job prospects to that of a hitman, FB would double as my middle man and you’d find your ass ridden with bullets at your next outing for sushi, wine, shopping or bar-hopping.
Fuck all of you stupid morons for calling us Asians dog-eaters, slant-eyes, gooks and other shit that your folks mumbled to you during our youth, especially when you’re a minority yourself. How the fuck would you like it if I mumbled something to you during grade school and tried to back that bullshit up with that tired old, “But my parents said they do that all the time.” Shut the fuck up and stop hiding behind that bullshit and learn some good old-fashioned, goddamned humility. You go to a church for a reason right? You have parents for a reason other than passing on their prejudices to you, right? If you’re one of these folks and you’re reading this, go look in the mirror and remember these words, “You’re not important, and you’re not better than anyone else, so go fuck yourself!”
Speaking of churches, screw you crazy Korean Christians for trying to convert me. I know you wanna help me, but I’ll be fine. I don’t want your Bible Studies and I don’t wanna deal with your cliques full of quiet ass overachievers who serve God but have a wardrobe worth more than Somalia. And frankly, I don’t want your God if you’re gonna tell me that my Buddhist ass is gonna burn in your Golden Hell, alright!? Besides, the bul-go-gi tastes better down there anyways.
Oh no no no, you white TV folk ain’t getting away from this shit either. Fuck you for thinking that it’s actually a GOOD thing to be a complete idiot and an utter disgrace to our nation on national TV. From this “Real Housewives” bullshit to “Jersey Shore,” white folk on TV are stupider than ever and give the rest of the world the impression that we’re vapid, oversexed morons who want quick fixes in our shitty lives while being bat-shit insane. Fuck all of that shit!!!
Oh, and on a work related note, fuck all of these staplers that can’t staple a novel together. Who needs this pussy, “Imma gonna put three purty pieces of paper together” shit. I want a goddamned crocodile stapler dammit, not something that’s gonna fall apart or jam when I’m on the go. Fuck that!
And stop saying that every goddamned thing you ate is “SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!” Stop it goddammit, just stop it! You keep your enlightened views about overpriced rabbit food to yourself or at Yelp. The last thing I need to hear is that your sorry ass has taste, but if you do, I’ll laugh my ass off.
Enough with all the YouTube video game reviewers who moan and moan and moan and get their hits by going ballistic on things that need NO such reaction (save for the shittiness of the Xbox One). No need to rage at Capcom for getting shit wrong about Mega Man (because Inafune is GONE, so duh!!). Calm down about Call of Duty (because it’s tired and overdone). Settle down about the latest rumors, because sometimes, they’re just there for hits. Be like Johnny Millenium & Rob Man or Spida1a. Remember guys, you have lives, okay?. We love video games, and we talk about them on YouTube because we wanna share our joys about them. Please stop being upset about this and that all the time. Gaming is just a part of life, so get us to enjoy gaming and in turn, make us enjoy life too!
Oh, and before I forget, fuck you Xbox Fanboys. Fuck all of your “this console war is gonna end” bullshit before your ass was handed to you with your head stuck in when you found out that your GLORIOUS new console was made to fuck you over double time. Fuck you for being so arrogant, and fuck you for your flip-flopping, and quite frankly, fuck you Xbox One!
By the way, fuck all of you CONSERVATIVE anime fans for trying to flood fandom and forum alike with your pseudo libertarian / republican / bible-toting bullshit. I don’t need to know why your parents run their stupid ideals down your throat because they feel threatened by colored folk who ACTUALLY do something while your dumb weeaboo ass takes it. I don’t need to hear why you go to conventions and spend all your energy for three measly days of your life while you waste the rest of those days feeling like a big shot who wants lower taxes for yourself and does NOTHING to prove how what you believe should work for the rest of us. And lastly, I don’t need to see all the STUPID, RACIST, and IMMATURE shit that you post any and everywhere about why you love your ANIMU without giving any props to the people who make it or where it comes from. Don’t reinterpret it for your own political ends, and don’t try to paint this outburst as “You’re too PC man, you should chill.” Why don’t the rest of you stupid, conservative Otaku shut the hell up and get with the program: Keep your politics and your racism out of the anime!
And finally, fuck all of you Asian-americans (that’s right, I’m talking to you, my very own people) for cowering when you see something that’s…oh no, wait for it, here goes….TOO ASIAN!!!!! Fucking shit man, where-do-I-begin!? You have so many folks who do all the hard work to blog and get the word out about APA rights, APA issues, APA events for a good cause and APA films but nothing sets it back more than when an APA individual sees something out of the blue that boggles them, makes them double back in fear of teh white judgement and then hit the deck and say “I don’t know anything about that, but Asian folk SURE are nuts!!” I get it that we get tiffed when some acquaintances or co-workers mumble something that happens in Asia to you and asks the dumb question of “Why is that?”, as if to assume that YOU would know something about it, but don’t just shit on your own people and say “Well I dunno what dat iz but datz soooo azn!,” mumble under your breath and leave. Can we dial #self-hate or #banana?
Furthermore, why is this especially so when it’s actually about something cool and or funny? What, are you ashamed that there’s a GIF of a kid having a kicking match with a donkey (because he’s got 20 times more balls than you’ll ever have?), or that there’s an up-to-scale Gundam statue in Japan? Do you have to moan or write on your blog about “Why you don’t understand” when school girls take Hadouken pictures, how PSY got popular over the summer or when folks make YouTube references about Street Fighter 2 when, in actuality, they have more balls than you do about having fun with their pals while the rest of the net just somehow catches on to it? Come on fellow APAs, don’t cower or shake when you see shit you don’t understand happening out of Asia because you’re too white washed or you’re just TOO FUCKING AMERICAN for your own good. We hate on folks who slant or fetishize on us for good reason, but don’t flip out on harmless and silly stuff from Asia when it’s meant to be…well, harmless and silly stuff from Asia. Good ,bad and crazy shit comes out of there on a daily basis and all you need to do is just calm down and take it for what it is, unless it truly deserves your outrage. However, if you’re just another mundane individual who definitely can’t distinguish between those things, then fuck YOU!
So there it is, stuff that pisses me the hell off. The list may change every now and then, but for the record, this is it so far. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some bul-go-gi in my golden hell to attend to.