Naika’s 14 Tips to Help You SURVIVE your Thanksgiving Holiday

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Thanksgiving has finally snuck up behind us and we haven’t a damn clue of what we are doing.  Are we cooking anything?  Do you know what you’re going say to your Trump-loving relatives?  Can Gary Johnson make Pumpkin Pie?  Who died and made you King?  Now before you answer these questions, here’s 14 tips to help you survive this Holiday without setting yourself on fire.  They are all obvious nods to the Onion, but this is my blog and I’m sticking to it!

  1. Wake up to the fact that it is a new day before cowering back into your covers as you await the ominous march of turkey zombies.
  2. Should misogynistic slurs be hurled at you while shopping, kindly present your spaying credentials and inform the offenders that pepper spray will be the least of their worries.
  3. A taste of the gravy, intravenously of course, goes a long way.
  4. Find constructive ways to avoid denigrating African-Americans by quietly shutting the fuck up.
  5. Remind yourself that the stuffing on your plate may have been stuffed in anyone but the bird.
  6. Illustrate the wonders of globalization to your family with a Japanese adult video, preferably “Butter on Cream”.
  7. Reassure your Muslim-American boyfriend that your parents won’t bite. They might snarl xenophobic slurs mind you, but they won’t bite.
  8. If you’d like to see how far the custom of Thanksgiving has come, check out the protest coverage in North Dakota.
  9. If suicide does become an option, disregard the butter knife and go with the turkey baster.
  10. Resist the urge to strangle your Trump-loving father-in- law by reminding yourself that you are banging his daughter.
  11. Go into the holiday knowing that every single Hispanic-American in this country will have an infinitely better Thanksgiving feast compared to you.
  12. Should political arguments erupt, avoid reaching across the aisle. We have harpoons for that.
  13. In the event that an angry white male tells you to “Go Back to China,” kindly remind the offender that you will need to climb off his mom first.
  14. If your cold, metallic, cyborg body has issues with digesting turkey meat, be sure to process said meat into a viscous, grey slurry. This will provide you with the sustenance needed to wage your one-man war against OCP.
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