A Great End to a Disappointing Arsenal Season (2016 – 2017)

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It’s Memorial Day today and after returning from a quaint little Jazz festival in Alexandria, Virginia, I just thought I need to make a few blurbs about Arsenal.  I originally wanted to write another hate-filled speech about Cheetos Emperor Donaldore J. Trumpfuckery the 15th and his ties to a secret cabal of one-eyed KGB kickboxers, but that’ll be for another day.  Today is for the vets, and it’s also for me to celebrate Arsenal’s victory over Chel$ki F.C. to win the 2017 F.A. Cup.

Our season in the Prem started out well, and things were looking good between November 2016 and January 2017.  However, losing Santi Cazorla was a massive blow, and as you already know, the wheels started to come loose a little later in the campaign.  Losing to Crystal Palace, Liverpool, Tony Pulis F.C., and Watford, along with ties to fucking Bournemouth and some offsides bullshit with Citeh dented both our hopes and our top four chase, making us 5th for the Europa League.  A big blow to us for sure, but I really REALLY want to stay positive and hope that there’s a silver lining in that as well.  If Chel$ki and United fall into the Europa League with little ire from the press, why can’t Arsenal, right?  (I’m being sarcastic of course)

However, I’m still not in the Wenger Out camp.  I’d only do so in order for Uncle Arsene to be spared of all this stuff.  That’s not to say that Arsenal aren’t without problems.  I’m as sick of it as anyone else when it comes to our pattern of implosion, but to visibly vent our frustrations on Wenger does him or us no justice.  Protest the way we play, or get in the board’s face about investment or even a change in tactics, but for reals folks, please don’t dis Uncle Arsene.  He doesn’t deserve it.

So give the old man credit for that back three.  Give him credit for his selections.  Give him AND the players some cred for smacking Mourinho in the face after beating ManU in the Prem and give him his due for giving us one helluva F.A. Cup final.

If you watched the final, then you know how exciting it was.  I was screaming at Arsenal all day to make sure they didn’t fuck anything up and sure enough, they didn’t.  The first 5 minutes was all Arsenal with some amazing possession and, handball or not, a neat goal from Alexis Sanchez.  I’m glad we got in Chel$ki’s faces and I’m glad we got some fortune for once.  Ramsey offside?  Yeah right.

However, with all the chances we had throughout the first half, the game should’ve been out-of-sight with 4-0.  We dominated the midfield battle and for all the excuses Chel$ki fans can make about not being at the races, save it.  You guys put out THE title-winning eleven and for an occasion like the F.A. Cup final, you guys looked ordinary.  Oh, and that Ozil tackle on Hazard?  Priceless.

The second half saw the Blues amped up with a few more fouls, penetration and pace, which only made David Ospina look cooler and cooler with some fine saves.  Per, Rob and Nacho held Neaderthal Costa back pretty well for the most part.  Well, except for his goal of course.  But that was after the Victor Moses dive.  Which he got a red card for.  Sweet.  Again, you’d think Arsenal would be safe after that but then we got Costa’d.  I kicked a box at home as my head boiled with fury.  For an Arsenal fan like me, this usually means that we would not only implode, but  Per would break all three of his legs somehow, Ox would get a Red card for being Gibbs (again) and Phil McNulty would begin masturbating at the thought of writing another thinly-veiled ‘Arsenal-are-weak-get-Wenger-sacked’ fluff piece.

However, in only a few short minutes, Phil would have to go limp and clean his chin in disgust because when Olly Giroud came on, he made made a beautiful cross to an unmarked Ramsey, where he cannoned a header past Courtois (the best GK in teh Prem mind you).  The roar of the Gooner faithful thundered the air, the blue poop of London groaned and the Red Sea parted in Divine Rapture.  I wasn’t the only one jumping for Joy.  I clutched my Wife, I held on to the sky and was ready for Arsenal to defend for their life.  What a feeling, and what a goal!

Ospina and the rest of the defense had to then pull in one helluva shift to make sure the game didn’t turn into 2-2, with a brilliant save to keep us all in.  Mesut should’ve scored when Arsenal broke free but had to settle for the post, Courtois’ leg and a corner and I wished to God Giroud got his 100 goals for the club, but when that final whistle came, I didn’t care.  We saw through the challenge.  We beat the deserved Champions of England.  We won the F.A. Cup.  And we did it with our BFG Captain making his FIRST START OF THE SEASON!

I’m not so sure if this ‘saved’ our season because there’s just sooooo much that we still need to work on.  Injuries, motivation, mentality and, overall, contracts.  It sounds like the ‘same old Arsenal’ tag that most shit pundits like to beat us with, but it all happened at the latter half of the season, not the tail-end of November like usual.  We’re starting to slowly find a way to play without Santi, but we need to really rethink our defensive transitions because teams are finding out how to exploit us in our own half.  It’s my hope that the maturation of Xhaka in the Prem will help in that regard, but like many new signings at Arsenal, they usually don’t mature until they take a pounding.  Keeping Sanchez and Ozil are should be the main target of the club this summer, and if we do, we need to drill Sanchez to avoid turnovers at all costs.  I also personally think Giroud and the Ox should still stay at the club, with the former being a beast from the bench and the latter shining as a wing back.  Finally,it’s my hope that with a win like this, we can take a serious look at our problems, use Spurs’ current form as a kind of jealous motivation, and our sinking into the Europa doldrums as a silver lining for experience as we try to recoup ourselves to do something big next season.

Until then guys, let’s savor this win and tell the rest of the naysayers to piss off.

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Arsenal vs. Chelsea: EPL (9/24/2016)

Arsenal v Chelsea - Premier League

The last time I saw Arsenal whoop Chelsea was in 2011 during the RVP days.  The last few times, it’s been Diego Costa getting away with being a complete jerk without any penalty.  The last few times, it’s been too many goals against us and not enough against them.  The last few times, it was Mourinho being a dick wad.  Specialist in failure anyone?

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Eat a Bear Trap Mourinho

Football Everton v Chelsea - Barclays Premier League

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything football related and unfortunately, rather than blurb about Arsenal’s 2 recent FA Cup victories (we broke the goddamned drought you fucks), our heroic dismantling of Manchester United, RVP’s wonder own-goal or Ozil’s 27th birthday, I want to chat about the cunt that is the darling of the English football press, but the scourge of all that is holy in Football: Jose Mourinho.

For me to see Chelsea so low at the table (16th place as I write this) is a joy I rarely indulge in, especially when it comes after both their purchase of last season’s Premier League title and our purchase of their prized goalkeeper Petr Cech.  Yes, Cesc is there in Stamford Bridge still, but with the way he’s been playing, I certainly hope that he won’t be for long. The Special One seems to have not only lost the plot in the dressing room (and in the medical room I might add with Dr. Carneiro), but he continues to lose it in the press room with incoherent drivel at every turn, with some of it thrown indirectly at our manager. Well fuck you Jose, and go eat a fucking bear trap.

I relish the day where Mourinho’s bullshit anti-football bites him back in the ass and gets Chelski relegated, but that will be too good to be true.  However, weekly implosions will suffice.  Until then, cheers to you Jose, and enjoy that platter of bear-chomping goodness as it smiles back at you….you fuck.  COYG!!!

マカンコウサッポウ!!!!! Bul-Go-Gi Tastes Better in Hell!

Making-Makankosappo-Piccolo-girlsIn honor of Chef Roy Choi’s sweet post on Angry Asian Man on what makes him angry, I’ve decided to go all out and do one of my own. Please be advised that this will probably offend you, and if it does, then go eat a bear trap.

Fuck all of you Chelsea fans. You’re all a saggy sack of John Terry apologists, lion fucking blue cunts and shit eating, glory hunting, classless trolls. And a nice big ‘fuck you’ to all you Thai fans of Chelsea. You think you’re rich or something? Half of your fucking football teams are named ‘United’ anyways, so fuck the lot of ya!

Fuck all of you so called Arsenal fans who’d rather waste time moping with black scarves and pout on the Piers Morgan Brigade.  Think of it this way you fucks, Arsenal’s got 99 problems, but apeshit debt ain’t one of them.  We have just as much bullshit as any other club (i.e. Can’t sign nobody, can’t defend, money clubs buy our players and everyone else’s etc, etc,) yet we still survive every year.  Sheesh!!

johnterrythree_2225316bI’m sick of dealing with folks who can’t eat spicy food and love to tell people that they can’t, then WHINE about it when they see it at lunch or at a goddamned party You think I give a shit about how your lack of nad hair (or lack of nads thereof) keeps you from enjoying the best shit EVER!?

I wish all of you folks on Facebook would just quit telling me where the hell you are exactly. If I changed my job prospects to that of a hitman, FB would double as my middle man and you’d find your ass ridden with bullets at your next outing for sushi, wine, shopping or bar-hopping.

Fuck all of you stupid morons for calling us Asians dog-eaters, slant-eyes, gooks and other shit that your folks mumbled to you during our youth, especially when you’re a minority yourself. How the fuck would you like it if I mumbled something to you during grade school and tried to back that bullshit up with that tired old, “But my parents said they do that all the time.” Shut the fuck up and stop hiding behind that bullshit and learn some good old-fashioned, goddamned humility. You go to a church for a reason right? You have parents for a reason other than passing on their prejudices to you, right? If you’re one of these folks and you’re reading this, go look in the mirror and remember these words, “You’re not important, and you’re not better than anyone else, so go fuck yourself!”

001-Arguing-with-christians-debate-funny-futilitySpeaking of churches, screw you crazy Korean Christians for trying to convert me. I know you wanna help me, but I’ll be fine. I don’t want your Bible Studies and I don’t wanna deal with your cliques full of quiet ass overachievers who serve God but have a wardrobe worth more than Somalia.  And frankly, I don’t want your God if you’re gonna tell me that my Buddhist ass is gonna burn in your Golden Hell, alright!?   Besides, the bul-go-gi tastes better down there anyways.

Oh no no no, you white TV folk ain’t getting away from this shit either. Fuck you for thinking that it’s actually a GOOD thing to be a complete idiot and an utter disgrace to our nation on national TV. From this “Real Housewives” bullshit to “Jersey Shore,” white folk on TV are stupider than ever and give the rest of the world the impression that we’re vapid, oversexed morons who want quick fixes in our shitty lives while being bat-shit insane. Fuck all of that shit!!!

Oh, and on a work related note, fuck all of these staplers that can’t staple a novel together. Who needs this pussy, “Imma gonna put three purty pieces of paper together” shit. I want a goddamned crocodile stapler dammit, not something that’s gonna fall apart or jam when I’m on the go. Fuck that!

twodivorcesAnd stop saying that every goddamned thing you ate is “SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!” Stop it goddammit, just stop it! You keep your enlightened views about overpriced rabbit food to yourself or at Yelp. The last thing I need to hear is that your sorry ass has taste, but if you do, I’ll laugh my ass off.

Enough with all the YouTube video game reviewers who moan and moan and moan and get their hits by going ballistic on things that need NO such reaction (save for the shittiness of the Xbox One). No need to rage at Capcom for getting shit wrong about Mega Man (because Inafune is GONE, so duh!!). Calm down about Call of Duty (because it’s tired and overdone). Settle down about the latest rumors, because sometimes, they’re just there for hits. Be like Johnny Millenium & Rob Man or Spida1a. Remember guys, you have lives, okay?. We love video games, and we talk about them on YouTube because we wanna share our joys about them.  Please stop being upset about this and that all the time. Gaming is just a part of life, so get us to enjoy gaming and in turn, make us enjoy life too!

xbox_one_btOh, and before I forget, fuck you Xbox Fanboys. Fuck all of your “this console war is gonna end” bullshit before your ass was handed to you with your head stuck in when you found out that your GLORIOUS new console was made to fuck you over double time. Fuck you for being so arrogant, and fuck you for your flip-flopping, and quite frankly, fuck you Xbox One!

By the way, fuck all of you CONSERVATIVE anime fans for trying to flood fandom and forum alike with your pseudo libertarian / republican / bible-toting bullshit. I don’t need to know why your parents run their stupid ideals down your throat because they feel threatened by colored folk who ACTUALLY do something while your dumb weeaboo ass takes it. I don’t need to hear why you go to conventions and spend all your energy for three measly days of your life while you waste the rest of those days feeling like a big shot who wants lower taxes for yourself and does NOTHING to prove how what you believe should work for the rest of us. And lastly, I don’t need to see all the STUPID, RACIST, and IMMATURE shit that you post any and everywhere about why you love your ANIMU without giving any props to the people who make it or where it comes from. Don’t reinterpret it for your own political ends, and don’t try to paint this outburst as “You’re too PC man, you should chill.” Why don’t the rest of you stupid, conservative Otaku shut the hell up and get with the program: Keep your politics and your racism out of the anime!

predictable-korean-girl-meme-generator-mom-makes-the-best-korean-food-on-earth-can-barely-make-cereal-herself-afb112And finally, fuck all of you Asian-americans (that’s right, I’m talking to you, my very own people) for cowering when you see something that’s…oh no, wait for it, here goes….TOO ASIAN!!!!!  Fucking shit man, where-do-I-begin!?  You have so many folks who do all the hard work to blog and get the word out about APA rights, APA issues, APA events for a good cause and APA films but nothing sets it back more than when an APA individual sees something out of the blue that boggles them, makes them double back in fear of teh white judgement and then hit the deck and say “I don’t know anything about that, but Asian folk SURE are nuts!!”  I get it that we get tiffed when some acquaintances or co-workers mumble something that happens in Asia to you and asks the dumb question of “Why is that?”, as if to assume that YOU would know something about it, but don’t just shit on your own people and say “Well I dunno what dat iz but datz soooo azn!,” mumble under your breath and leave.  Can we dial #self-hate or #banana?

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Furthermore, why is this especially so when it’s actually about something cool and or funny?  What, are you ashamed that there’s a GIF of a kid having a kicking match with a donkey (because he’s got 20 times more balls than you’ll ever have?), or that there’s an up-to-scale Gundam statue in Japan?  Do you have to moan or write on your blog about “Why you don’t understand” when school girls take Hadouken pictures, how PSY got popular over the summer or when folks make YouTube references about Street Fighter 2 when, in actuality, they have more balls than you do about having fun with their pals while the rest of the net just somehow catches on to it?  Come on fellow APAs, don’t cower or shake when you see shit you don’t understand happening out of Asia because you’re too white washed or you’re just TOO FUCKING AMERICAN for your own good.  We hate on folks who slant or fetishize on us for good reason, but don’t flip out on harmless and silly stuff from Asia when it’s meant to be…well, harmless and silly stuff from Asia.  Good ,bad and crazy shit comes out of there on a daily basis and all you need to do is just calm down and take it for what it is, unless it truly deserves your outrage.  However, if you’re just another mundane individual who definitely can’t distinguish between those things, then fuck YOU!

So there it is, stuff that pisses me the hell off.  The list may change every now and then, but for the record, this is it so far.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some bul-go-gi in my golden hell to attend to.