Ruffles’ Smokehouse BBQ Potato Chips were Crafted by the Devil!!!

A nice big, satanic bag of oh so fucking good Ruffles Smokehouse BBQ Potato Chips. Image courtesy of memphisflyer.com

Like many Americans, I have a tendency to stop by my gas station to do the usual things, such as filling up the car, looking at beverages and hunting around the premises for snacks. In my case in particular, I usually do these things at 7-Eleven because they not only have gas and actual fucking food, but they actually have staff that don’t appear to look like they have five dead hookers in the back of their dumpsters. Taquitos and their opium-laden M&M cookies are usually my orders for the day, but something else has arrived into the mix.  Something far more insidious and tempting, akin to the scent of Sharpie markers and your sexy grade school teacher’s panties as she puts you in the corner of the coat room.  That product is none other than…

…Ruffles’ Smokehouse BBQ Potato Chips.

Crafted by Satan himself, Frito Lay has apparently written a contract with the dark lord, whereby the most full bodied and choicest of chips, containing ridges that are so crispy that the word “pop” has been reinvented to sound like “molestation of your mouth,” are dusted with a BBQ powder that could beat your average, wimpy BBQ potato chip to a fleshy, gooey pulp, like Danny Trejo on Alan Greenspan .  It’s a bit sad that you can only find them in the medium sized, nine ounce bags, but the quality of each chip is soooo apparent after you sample a BIG bag of regular Ruffles and realize that the devil left all the broken chips there, and saved all the good shit to be raped by BBQ madness!!  It’s not that the chip itself is blasted with seasoning, but the blend itself is JUST so right and balanced that every bite is akin to a plethora of succubi sitting on your dong before you’re being sent straight to hell…

Full bodied and crispy. Image courtesy of Brandeating.com

So before you go and eat your brown rice and boiled chicken breast to prolong your life long enough for your wife to divorce you and take it all away, why don’t you sit down, think for a minute, and indulge on something that could potentially kill you.  No, I’m not talking about Clorox goddammit, I’m talking about Ruffles’ Smokehouse BBQ Potato Chips.  Satan will thank you…muhahahahaha!!!! (And so will your taste buds)

Bio Hazard: Eden Hazard Keen on Becoming Another Asshat at Chelsea F.C.

Many a football pundit has speculated as to where the talented young Belgian would go to as his glory days at Lille would be numbered after winning the Ligue 1 title in 2010-2011.  Regarded as the best player in France, it’s no doubt that with his keen ability and confidence that the big money would go hunting for him.  Real Madrid?  PSG? Man U?  Merc City?

Oh, and Arsenal?  BAH!!  They have no ambition.  They’re in crisis remember?

Hell, this man’s ego is so high that he even made a goddamned video about all of this speculation, cheeky bastard…

But now, as the BBC reports, the cheeky footballer is going to none other than Chelsea.  CHELSEA.  MONEYBAG FUCKING CHELSEA!!  This dude even made a tweet about it, yet Chelsea are reluctant to comment about it at the moment (which may be due to the fact that they are cunts).  And with the “Incredible Hulk” lined up, it appears that Roman’s gonna throw some more goddamned money for the club.  No surprise there, eh?

All of this comes as Belgian wonderkid Romelu Lukaku admitted that he “felt no joy” with Chelsea as they won the Champions League this past May.  He hardly got to start for the Blues, and as a striker that sucks.  And if anything sums up what I distinctly feel about Chelsea, it’s what Lukaku says towards the end of the article that REALLY hits the nail on it’s rusted head:

“Chelsea really wanted me last summer and paid a lot for me but after a while I thought, are you just throwing money around?”

As it stands, young Romelu is looking to go out on loan once he gets a chance to talk to the manager (which, as Grumpygrad points out, hasn’t even been picked yet) and he’s right to look for an opportunity like that.  Instead of developing the lad into what could be a another Drogba through baptism by fire, Roman goes for the big name buy, and if I were Lukaku, I’d be pissed off. Oh, and Hazard being a fellow Belgian definitely would not help much either.

So Eden, I guess you’re gonna have a case of the Blues this summer.  All that money must be enticing once you find yourself to be second fiddle to the likes of Fat Frank and Jim Crow John Terry, but hey, who knows, right?  And even though your national team Captain, my very own Verminator, tipped you off for success and wished you well, I know that when Chelsea squares off with the Gunners, Thomas is gonna give you a Kevin Davies-esque two footed leg breaker tackle the likes of which you will never EVER forget.  And that’s not because he hates you, no no, far from it.  He’s gonna do what all fellow countrymen do when one of their own begins a new journey into a new land, he’s gonna introduce you to what’s common over there.  Those pre-match handshakes?  They won’t cut it man.  You see, he’s gonna say hello, and he’s gonna do it in a way that will remind you of where you are now.

So Eden, hello, and welcome to the Engilsh Premier League…you cunt.